My dearest friends,
I’m sitting here at work trying to find the motivation to do the long list of things that need to be done by the end of today, but there’s no motivation. Really, I’m just thinking about where I want to go for lunch haha. So I thought I’d write a little on here.
I have nothing new or exciting to report. I work all the time. Seriously, all the time. If it’s not a my job, it’s getting things ready for the next stage or working out. But I only have exactly 16 more days of work, which is great because there’s no way I could do this for real.
This past weekend I flew to Austin to be with a friend who is having trouble with her fiancé. Things are fine now, and it was so good to be there and see her. Austin is also a cool city if you’ve never been I highly recommend it. On Monday I went to Emily Smith’s house (yes, she lives in a mansion, it’s incredible) and made dinner with Rachel Ryon and Laura Fehlbaum. It was SO good to see them and share stories and just be together. It made me miss y’all so much more than I already do.
I leave for Tanzania on August 10th!!! I’m so ready to go it’s not even funny. The best part is, even though I know the basics of what I’ll be doing there, there’s still so much room for God to use me and to surprise me, which he will inevitably do. Your prayers for that are greatly appreciated. Not to mention I will be spending a week in a hut in Zanzibar with Jesse. I don’t even know what to say about that. Haha.
As for Paris, there was a family that was interested in me, but after talking with them on the phone last week, they decided they want someone who speaks French fluently. Pardon my French, but then why the hell would they want an American?? Why not just pick some rando Frenchie off the street. Sorry, I’m bitter. The family seemed awesome, but I have to trust that there’s a better one out there. No matter what, I’m going. The end.
Spiritually, I’m doing so well. This summer has been great, but being away from friends and school and back home where everything is too familiar does WONDERS for learning how to completely lean on Him. There have been tons of roadblocks in this Paris thing, but I feel confident and no matter what I feel that I will be used for good wherever God decides to send me. I just feel excited because I have no commitments, I’m completely 100% open to wherever and however He wants to use me…it’s kind of scary, but completely exciting. I’m at the point right now where I am falling in love with him and surrendering to him so much that I feel like any future relationship I have will have to be with someone who will only add to my love for Christ and not distract from it. Kind of like I would be cheating on God. Is that weird? It sounds weird. You get it though. So yeah…that’s good. Life is exciting, minus work.
Shayla…THAILAND??!! I’m so excited for you, I hope that works out! I’ll be praying about that!!!
What else? Oh, I have the picture shayla gave to us for graduation hanging in my cubicle and every day I pray for you all and miss you a ton, and sometimes when I can't stand looking at another excel spreadsheet or sitting through a conference call, I imagine I'm sitting on the beach drinking wine and talking and laughing with you girls. Tear. I hope that your summers/job search/boot camp (hahah Tomi)/school prep/camp/life post grad/relationships are wonderful. Talk to you all very soon.
All my love,
Becs
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Camp and How Everything Is Less Fun Without You
Hey friends!
So I'm back from camp. It was a very hard 2 weeks. I think that summer camp is one of those things you especially love when you grew up there. But I was the only one there who hadn't been there every summer for the past 5 years or so, and it was kinda lonely. Don't get me wrong, I had a decent time and I think it was very good that I was there. I just realized that all of the fun and the relationships there weren't MINE and it really made me miss you guys. I can't believe that we wont be back in Malibu in a month. I miss MY friends and OUR memories. Starting over kind of sucks.
Anyway, thought I would give you guys a heads up on this: Chase and I are considering moving to Thailand after we get married. We know a missionary family who lives there and they are looking for interns. We aren't sure yet, but we are tossing the idea around... just thought you should know :)
I miss you girls so very much.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Missing You
Hello Loves.
My heart aches for all of you. I feel like I have been in mourning this summer. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to manage everything with everyone gone and spread out. Actually Im wondering that right now hence my writing to you all. Guys I miss you so much. I sometimes feel so alone and I cant just run over to anyones apartment and crawl into bed with them, or ask one of you to meet me for coffee. I wish I would have held you all a little tighter when I hugged you, of course Im sure that there are a few times that if I did that I might have cut off circulation.
Things have been fine here. Its good being home. Time passes slowly and fast at the same time. I want summer to be over so I can get started on the Fulbright, but I want summer to last because I cant stand doing goodbyes. I think its my issue with goodbyes that has me writing this awfully depressing and emotionally dramatic post. Dane was here from this past Monday night until this morning. It was a wonderful week. But saying goodbye to him rips me up inside. EA, Shayla, Cheda, I now understand all the times you had to do long distance and say goodbye and how hard that is, and how its takes a toll on you. I am amazed at how you all handled it and got through it. I wish I could have been more understanding, and I wish you were all here because I know you all would make me feel better and make this easier and help me get through it. I didnt know I could feel this way about missing people. When you guys arent here, when Dane isnt here, its like there is this void. Mostly I get by and can ignore it, but life just doesnt seem as bright or as full. And then when I talk to you on the phone, or get to see you, or like when Dane was here, its wonderful. All is right for that time, but when the conversation is over and goodbye happens, the emptiness is all the more evident.
Most days I go back and forth about going to Germany. I am excited to go and be there and have new experiences. But I dread going alone, missing you guys, missing Dane, sometimes I wish I had never applied to the Fulbright and was just going to grad school, then this time away from some of you would just be for the summer and not for over a year. But since I cant stop my emotions I just logically talk myself out of it and tell myself how great it is that I have the Fulbright. I remember what all of you have told me and just say it to myself over and over. OMG I feel so emo right now. Im sorry I know this isnt fun to read. I just, I need help loves. I know I cant have you here, but Im struggling. Im struggling to find comfort, to be brave, to trust, to not have fear, to not be sad and sometimes I just dont know what to do. What I would give to have you all within a five minute walking distance of me again.
Also, what Im feeling for Dane, well it grows each day. Shay, you told me that an upside of long distance and only having communication makes you grow to know and understand one another in ways that you dont when your together, because your together and have the time for that to happen when it happens. And I, I love him so much. Enough to know if I ever had to let him go I would, but also so much that when I think of my future and where I will be down the road I always picture him there. And I know hes on the same page and not going anywhere no matter how far away I am or for how long. And the thing is the idea of being with him for the rest of my life no longer scares me, the idea of marriage in the next coming years no longer weirds me out, or feels out of place or too soon. And not feeling that way anymore scares me because its so BIG. feeling this way is big and overwhelming. And I also know that part of this is because we are doing long distance and I miss him and I want him here. But I havent said this to any of you and I thought you should all know these are the thoughts going through my head because when we were at school, and we would joke about it or discuss it Id briefly enterain the idea, but ultimately brush it off. Im not doing that anymore.
So as you can see Im a mass of emotion.... or in the words of Ron Burgundy, "I'm in a glass box of emotion!!!!" I am so sorry that my first real post is not only coming in July, but its messy and depressingly emotional. I think I have been in mourning and havent been able to bring myself to post or something. If you have any advice or anything lemme know. I love you all so so much and hope you all are great. And Im gonna make it my pact to post weekly on Fridays. All my love and prayers,
Lindseu
My heart aches for all of you. I feel like I have been in mourning this summer. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to manage everything with everyone gone and spread out. Actually Im wondering that right now hence my writing to you all. Guys I miss you so much. I sometimes feel so alone and I cant just run over to anyones apartment and crawl into bed with them, or ask one of you to meet me for coffee. I wish I would have held you all a little tighter when I hugged you, of course Im sure that there are a few times that if I did that I might have cut off circulation.
Things have been fine here. Its good being home. Time passes slowly and fast at the same time. I want summer to be over so I can get started on the Fulbright, but I want summer to last because I cant stand doing goodbyes. I think its my issue with goodbyes that has me writing this awfully depressing and emotionally dramatic post. Dane was here from this past Monday night until this morning. It was a wonderful week. But saying goodbye to him rips me up inside. EA, Shayla, Cheda, I now understand all the times you had to do long distance and say goodbye and how hard that is, and how its takes a toll on you. I am amazed at how you all handled it and got through it. I wish I could have been more understanding, and I wish you were all here because I know you all would make me feel better and make this easier and help me get through it. I didnt know I could feel this way about missing people. When you guys arent here, when Dane isnt here, its like there is this void. Mostly I get by and can ignore it, but life just doesnt seem as bright or as full. And then when I talk to you on the phone, or get to see you, or like when Dane was here, its wonderful. All is right for that time, but when the conversation is over and goodbye happens, the emptiness is all the more evident.
Most days I go back and forth about going to Germany. I am excited to go and be there and have new experiences. But I dread going alone, missing you guys, missing Dane, sometimes I wish I had never applied to the Fulbright and was just going to grad school, then this time away from some of you would just be for the summer and not for over a year. But since I cant stop my emotions I just logically talk myself out of it and tell myself how great it is that I have the Fulbright. I remember what all of you have told me and just say it to myself over and over. OMG I feel so emo right now. Im sorry I know this isnt fun to read. I just, I need help loves. I know I cant have you here, but Im struggling. Im struggling to find comfort, to be brave, to trust, to not have fear, to not be sad and sometimes I just dont know what to do. What I would give to have you all within a five minute walking distance of me again.
Also, what Im feeling for Dane, well it grows each day. Shay, you told me that an upside of long distance and only having communication makes you grow to know and understand one another in ways that you dont when your together, because your together and have the time for that to happen when it happens. And I, I love him so much. Enough to know if I ever had to let him go I would, but also so much that when I think of my future and where I will be down the road I always picture him there. And I know hes on the same page and not going anywhere no matter how far away I am or for how long. And the thing is the idea of being with him for the rest of my life no longer scares me, the idea of marriage in the next coming years no longer weirds me out, or feels out of place or too soon. And not feeling that way anymore scares me because its so BIG. feeling this way is big and overwhelming. And I also know that part of this is because we are doing long distance and I miss him and I want him here. But I havent said this to any of you and I thought you should all know these are the thoughts going through my head because when we were at school, and we would joke about it or discuss it Id briefly enterain the idea, but ultimately brush it off. Im not doing that anymore.
So as you can see Im a mass of emotion.... or in the words of Ron Burgundy, "I'm in a glass box of emotion!!!!" I am so sorry that my first real post is not only coming in July, but its messy and depressingly emotional. I think I have been in mourning and havent been able to bring myself to post or something. If you have any advice or anything lemme know. I love you all so so much and hope you all are great. And Im gonna make it my pact to post weekly on Fridays. All my love and prayers,
Lindseu
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